


Unlock Your Mind Vault

by brutalitytailor



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Bar owner Seungcheol, Bartender Mingyu, Crying, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, It gets less serious I promise, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mingyu bottles his feelings up, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Seventeen loves Mingyu, Suicidal Thoughts, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 15:32:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13790700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brutalitytailor/pseuds/brutalitytailor
Summary: Mingyu, a bartender, has been keeping a secret for months now. When he gets in yet another fight, his friends demand answers.





	1. Mingyu Breaks Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu gets in his third fight in two months and finally breaks down.

He let the door click shut behind him and leaned back against it, reaching to turn the lock. He kicked his boots off and nudged them under the hall table. He could hear the TV pause in the living room and willed his roommate to stay there.

He dropped his keys on the table and walked quickly down the hall to the kitchen. He produced an ice pack from the freezer, wrapped it in a paper towel, and pressed it to his eye, wincing.

“Mingyu?” Wonwoo said behind him. He stiffened and resisted the urge to turn around. “You’re home early. Was the bar not busy or something?” He heard Wonwoo shuffle around behind him, filling the kettle with water and putting it on the stove. He glanced at his watch out of the corner of his good eye. It was about time for Wonwoo’s nightly cup of passion fruit tea.

“Uh… yep.” Mingyu cleared his throat. He stared at the magnets on the fridge, willing Wonwoo to turn and go back into the living room.

“Why are you just standing there? And what are you holding?” Wonwoo grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. Mingyu squeezed his eyes shut, bracing himself for the yelling that he was sure would come next. “What did you do to your eye?” Wonwoo murmured gently, grabbing his wrist and dragging his hand down. Ah, so it wasn’t anger this time. It was disappointment.

“Uh…”

“Tell me you didn’t get in some kind of fight, Kim Mingyu.” He didn’t open his eyes. He was positive Wonwoo was frowning at him. He almost preferred the yelling.

“Listen, it wasn’t exactly a fight.” Mingyu sighed.

“So then what happened?”

“I was doing my job. Mixing drinks. You know, whatever. And then some douche started harassing a guy at the bar. He had his hands all over him. The guy obviously didn’t want the attention. So I told the fucker to leave him alone. He wouldn’t. So I had to do something about it. To be honest, you should see him. My eye is nothing compared to the mess I made of his face.” Mingyu rambled. He could hear his voice raising itself several octaves in defense.

Wonwoo sighed and let go of his wrist.

“You have security guards for a reason, ‘Gyu.”

“But none of them could see what was going on. I had to do something. What if some creep had his hands all over Jihoon? Or Soonyoung? Any of them? I couldn’t let the poor guy get manhandled.”

Wonwoo let out another sigh. Mingyu opened his eyes. Wonwoo was frowning, but he looked conflicted. He reached to touch under Mingyu’s eye.

“Well, it doesn’t look like you’ll have a black eye. But you will have a pretty fantastic bruise. Did Seungcheol send you home early?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re lucky he loves you and that we’re all friends, or he probably would have fired you. That’s three fights in the last two months.” Wonwoo shook his head, taking the ice pack from Mingyu and pressing it lightly to his bruise. Mingyu huffed an exasperated breath and leaned back against the fridge.

“The first time wasn’t my fault and you know it.”

“Mingyu, Soonyoung saw you take the first swing. And the second. And the third.” Wonwoo retorted.

“But it’s not my fault he was talking about drugging some guy’s drink!” Mingyu’s blood was running hot and he struggled not to raise his voice.

“And the second time? The guy literally just glanced at Soonyoung and smirked and you decked him.”

“I got a bad vibe!” Mingyu clenched his fingers. He crossed his arms across his chest.

“You have to chill the fuck out! All of this could have been solved without violence! You have a damn walkie talkie, Mingyu! Use it! Call Jun! Call Hansol! They’ll take care of it! It’s their job!” Wonwoo pleaded.

“I can't sit by and watch people get hurt!” Mingyu exploded. He nudged Wonwoo’s hand away from his face and stormed out onto the patio, slamming the sliding door back into place behind him. He immediately reached for the cigarettes in his back pocket, lighting one and taking a deep drag. Wonwoo didn’t come after him. Mingyu didn’t blame him.

Why had he decided to pick a fight? Why couldn’t he stop himself? His anger was just boiling over these days. Someone breathed too loudly and he was itching to attack.

It was all because of that night. All because of that one stupid, fateful night.

He stifled the burning guilt and took another drag of his cigarette. No one needed to find out. He could keep this hidden forever.

~

A whole cigarette and a half later, the door slid slowly open behind him. He didn’t turn around.

“I could hear you from next door.” Minghao muttered, coming to stand beside him and lean up against the rail. Mingyu tapped his ashes away, staring straight ahead at the view of the sea.

“Did Wonwoo call you over here to lecture me?” He asked.

“No. Like I said, I could hear you yelling. You know that if ‘Cheol were here he’d beat your ass for raising your voice at Wonwoo.” Minghao grabbed his chin suddenly, jerking his head sideways. “Nice bruise. Kind of suits you, actually. You look like some kind of bad boy.” He let go. His mouth was pressed into a thin line.

“Whatever.” Mingyu dropped his cigarette into the ashtray.

“Are you on your period or something? What the hell is going on? You literally have never been violent in your life, Mingyu. You don’t even step on ants because you feel bad.” Minghao tapped his foot impatiently.

“Nothing is going on. I just don’t like seeing people get messed with. I’m done having this conversation. Listen, it won’t happen again. Just get off my back.” Mingyu walked back inside and brushed past Wonwoo, who was still standing in the kitchen, apparently just having watched him smoke.

He was crossing into the living room when the front door burst open and Seungcheol stormed in, eyes full of fury.

“Kim Mingyu.”

“Who’s watching the bar?” Wonwoo squawked. Mingyu immediately started backing up, reversing until his back hit the wall.

“Three fights in two months. I thought the first one was just a break in judgement. The second one confused me. Now I’m just pissed. I couldn’t tear you a new one at the bar for obvious reasons, but now?” Seungcheol was all up in his face, practically breathing fire.

“Seungcheol -”

“Hansol was twenty feet away. Jun was at the door. Hell, you could have just whistled and I would have heard you and come to take care of it. You are a bartender. You take orders, you mix drinks, you wash glasses. You report information. You _do not _pick fights, defend people, or punch anyone. Do you know how many bystanders were asking if I was going to fire you today? Regulars are probably starting to get scared of you, Mingyu. I’m pretty sure even Soonyoung is a little scared of you.”__

__“Seungcheol, Mingyu looks like he’s about to cry. You might want to ease it back.” Wonwoo commented in his deep voice._ _

__“I don’t fucking care! I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t get why you’re like this now. I can’t fire you because you’re my friend, but this cannot keep happening. So spill the beans. Tell me what’s going on. I want fucking answers, Mingyu.” Seungcheol shook him, brows furrowed so deeply that he looked like he might pop._ _

__There was a beat of silence. They stared at each other intensely, Mingyu shaking with fear and Seungcheol shaking with fury._ _

__And then, the dam broke. Tears flooded his vision and he felt like his chest was caving in. He took a deep breath and let come wobbling out, shuddering._ _

__“Oh, shit…” Seungcheol muttered. He let go of Mingyu’s shoulders._ _

__“I want to fucking kill myself. I want to die. Let me die.” Mingyu sobbed, sinking and sliding down the wall. He squeezed his eyes shut._ _

__There it was. The truth. The truth he, himself, had not realized. Out in the open like a gaping wound._ _

__“Mingyu.” Minghao’s voice was in his ear. Hands were running up and down his back._ _

__“What happened?” Wonwoo prodded softly in his other ear._ _

__“Two months ago… that night we got drunk… it was so stupid… I’m being stupid…” He felt like he couldn’t breathe properly. His chest was heaving._ _

__“I think he’s having a panic attack.” Minghao sounded so distant. So far away from him. Everything seemed to be fading into the distance. All he could hear was his heart thundering in his chest._ _

__“Mingyu, breathe!” Seungcheol’s voice sounded wobbly, like he was in jello. Someone was fanning him with something. He felt too warm and his stomach was churning. He couldn’t stop shaking. Why couldn’t he just stop?_ _

__He opened his eyes. Minghao and Wonwoo were on either side of him. Wonwoo was fanning him with the stand-up calendar of BigBang they kept on the hall table. Minghao was rubbing his back, frowning worriedly. Seungcheol was kneeling in front of him. He was saying something, but Mingyu’s ears were ringing too much to hear what it was._ _

__He couldn’t breathe… he couldn't breathe… he couldn’t breathe…_ _

__His vision blurred and he sank sideways, closing his eyes._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I know I have another long-haul fic going on right now, but this one has been bouncing around in my brain awhile. I was going to lead up to his, but I thought hey, why not start right in the conflict and go back later. I hope you enjoy!


	2. Mingyu Spills The Beans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu decides to let go of his secrets.

He bolted awake without warning, eyes springing open. Above him, an angel (read: Hong Jisoo) was holding a packet of smelling salts. Mingyu was lying on the couch in the living room. He tilted his head to the side. Wonwoo, Minghao, Seungcheol, and now Seokmin were standing there, watching him intently.

“Hey.” He croaked. Jisoo perched on the edge of the couch, reaching to brush Mingyu’s sweaty bags out of his eyes.

“‘Gyu, honey, what happened?” He asked softly. Mingyu almost felt like he could cry again. Jisoo’s sympathetic voice was enough to make anyone teary-eyed. It was like a warm hug.

“Not really sure.” Mingyu closed his eyes and reveled in the feeling of Jisoo’s fingers combing through his hair. He heard someone approach the couch, sinking to crouch beside him.

“Mingyu, if I’m the one that caused all this, I’m really sorry.” Seungcheol squeezed his hand. A lump was building in Mingyu’s throat. He wanted to take it all back. Go back to shoving his feelings deep down in his chest. Locking things up in his mind vault.

“Nothing was your fault. I’m alright.” Mingyu gave him a weak smile and a thumbs up. Seungcheol was frowning deeply. Mingyu let the smile drop and sighed through his nose. It seemed no one was going to forget this all happened.

“Panic attacks don’t just happen for no reason. Mingyu, you straight up said you wanted to kill yourself. He had to talk Seungcheol out of taking you to the hospital.” Wonwoo rumbled. Mingyu bit down on his tongue.

“I didn’t mean i-”

“Stop right there. You did mean it. Obviously something was wrong. And you were trying to tell us something else before you passed out. Two months ago? Something like that? What happened?” Minghao cut him off. Mingyu sat up, ignoring his pounding headache, and tucked himself into the corner of the couch.

He stayed silent for a moment, thinking. Should he tell them what happened? Could he? Would the thoughts even form into words?

“You’re thinking too hard.” Minghao sank onto the couch next to him, resting his hand on Mingyu’s knee.

“If I’m going to tell you what happened, I’m only going to say it once. So unless everyone else is going to show up right now, you’ll have to tell them yourselves.” Mingyu’s tongue felt way too heavy in his mouth.

“We’ll fill them in. Just spill it, tall boy.” Seokmin spoke for the first time since he’d gotten there, perching himself on the arm of the couch and giving a warm smile. Mingyu kind of wished Soonyoung was there. Double the sunshine might make him feel a little less like he would break down.

He took a deep breath, let it out, and started to speak.

~

It was Friday night, and somehow, all thirteen of them were hanging out. Seungcheol had closed the bar to have it painted, which meant he, Mingyu, Soonyoung, Jun, and Hansol had the night off. The rest of them had day jobs, which obviously meant they were off, too. They had all driven to another bar, owned by someone that Seungcheol was friends with.

Mingyu was pleasantly drunk and getting drunker, enjoying the way he felt numb and lighter than air.

Minghao was so pretty, too - gussied up in in ripped jeans with fishnets underneath, a black turtleneck, and a leather jacket. He had his usual assortment of earrings dangling in his ears, and a pair of round glasses perched on his nose. He was drunk, too, face pink and laughing up a storm.

Maybe Mingyu could finally tell him…

“Hey, Mr. Giraffe.” A voice cooed over his shoulder. He turned. It was some buff guy he’d never seen before. He was pretty handsome. Not as handsome as Minghao, but decent. He held out a glass of something and Mingyu took it.

“I’m Mingyu.” Mingyu slurred. It probably sounded more like ‘mingoo’, but what did he care? A handsome guy was giving him drinks. He downed it in a single gulp, smiling and handing the glass back.

“Nice to meet you, Mingyu. Want to come talk to me in private a minute? It’s loud in here.” The guy seemed nice enough. Maybe they could talk about working out. Mingyu nodded and followed him lazily through the crowded bar, out the back door. The guy lead him to stand up against the wall.

“What’s your name?” Mingyu pondered out loud.

“Does it really matter?” The guy suddenly had a hand on his chest, rubbing circles gently. _Weird, _Mingyu thought to himself. But half of his friends were the same, constantly touching him. He was too numb to really care. He started to talk about working out, hoping he was making sense. The guy let him talk for a good fifteen minutes, humming and nodding occasionally.__

__There were lips on his neck without warning. The guy was breathing against his skin, licking and biting harshly. Mingyu could smell the booze and cigarettes clinging to his skin. The sweat on his body._ _

__“Uh, what are you doing?” Mingyu tried to push him away and found himself pinned to the wall, hands crushed against the brick._ _

__“Just let the drink do its work and relax, pretty boy.” The guy pulled back, smirking, and Mingyu could see a red-hot fire burning in his eyes. It terrified him. He had to get back to the others. He had to -_ _

__His bones were jelly. He was sinking towards the ground._ _

__The drink._ _

__“Did you drug me?” He managed. He got a low chuckle in reply._ _

__“Just a simple sleeping pill. Don’t worry your pretty head.” Hands were roaming downward, toward his belt. He was panicking now, heart racing. He opened his mouth to scream and was met with a cloth being shoved into his mouth. He tried to lift his arms to stop it all from happening and found that he had the strength of a newborn kitten._ _

__Seungcheol, Jeonghan, Wonwoo… anyone…_ _

__His belt was being unbuckled. His jeans were being pulled down his legs. Fingers were creeping up his legs and…_ _

__No. No. NO._ _

__“Hey!” A shout rang down the alley and the hands on his body were gone. Someone had tackled his attacker to the ground. Before the world sank into darkness, Mingyu recognized a security guard jacket like the ones Jun and Hansol wore at work. A rescuer. A bar security guard._ _

__~_ _

__When he came to, he felt sore and groggy. He opened his eyes. He was still in the alley. The security guard from before was standing in front of him with a bottle of water, shaking him._ _

__“Hey, you’re okay. I found the bottle on him. Just sleeping pills. And only one. You don’t have to go to the hospital, but I would recommend it. Do you need me to get someone for you? What’s your name?” He handed over the water._ _

__Mingyu drank it shakily, trying not to let himself cry._ _

__He was okay. His attacker had been taken care of and was presumably on his way to jail. He was safe. His jeans had been pulled back up and his belt had been fastened._ _

__“Thank you. I’m okay.” The guard helped him get to his feet. He opened his mouth, probably to ask more questions and insist that he go to the hospital, but Mingyu was stumbling back inside, clutching his water._ _

__Chan’s face entered his vision from the far side of the bar and he felt his heart sink into his stomach._ _

__He needed to tell them. He had to tell them what happened. He wanted Jeonghan and Jisoo to pull him in and hold him. He wanted Seungcheol to yell and threaten to go beat someone up. He wanted the quiet murderous fury of Jihoon to make him feel safer._ _

__“Mingyu! There you are! It’s been hours, man!” Soonyoung was giggling, drunk as hell and looking happier and more relaxed than he had been in months. Behind him, everyone was in about the same condition. Smiling, laughing, having the time of their lives together for the first time in a long time._ _

__He knew he couldn’t tell them. He couldn’t ruin the peace._ _

__He shoved the experience and his feelings deep within himself, took a deep breath, and forced a grin._ _


	3. Some Well-Needed Cuddling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mingyu finds himself being loved by twelve human beings at once.

Mingyu wasn’t really sure how his friends would take the news, but he certainly didn’t expect to have Seungcheol holding him tight, crying into his hair. He felt like he’d been talking for hours and hours.

Wonwoo, who was also teary-eyed but trying to hide it, was on the phone with Jeonghan on the patio. Joshua, who had started crying from the word ‘stranger’ onward, was with him, also on the phone with someone. Seokmin was sitting at his feet, wiping his eyes and rubbing small circles on his leg. Minghao… Minghao had straight-up disappeared. When Mingyu was done speaking, he left the apartment and hadn’t returned yet.

Seungcheol seemed like he wasn’t going to let go anytime soon. Mingyu was content with this, though, nuzzling into the juncture between Seungcheol’s neck and his shoulder. He felt warm and comforted, like he hadn’t just unloaded a ton of heavy information.

The door banged open in the hallway. Mingyu lifted his head to peek over Seungcheol’s shoulder. Just in time to see Soonyoung come bolting into the room full-speed, wailing at the top of his lungs.

“Mingyu!” He sobbed, flinging himself into Mingyu’s arms. He tossed his arms around Mingyu’s neck, squeezing him. Mingyu couldn’t help pulling a smile, holding him close and stroking his hair. Another force struck them both and he looked up to see the top of Chan’s head as he added himself to the pile. Minghao entered the room then, face flushed and eyes bloodshot.

A few minutes of quiet consoling later, Jeonghan, Seungkwan, Jun, and Hansol were coming in too, each pulling him into a bone-crushing hug and talking way too fast. Soon, he was completely surrounded by noise and gentle touches.

And then, a hush fell over all of them as Jihoon entered the room silently. He stared at all eleven of them, huddled around Mingyu. They all stared back at him, waiting. He slipped his shoes off and set his bag down. He took off his jacket and laid it over the back of the easychair. He wandered over to the pack, ignoring the looks he was getting. He shouldered each of them aside and settled himself in Mingyu’s lap, pulling Mingyu in and guiding Mingyu’s head to his shoulder.

His carefully re-built dam came crumbling down.

~

A whole hour and a half later, everyone had settled around him. He had Jihoon and Jeonghan on either side, holding him. Everyone else was as close to him as they could get. He cleared his throat.

“I really… really thought I could hold all of this in. I thought I could handle it myself. But I’ve just been feeling so aggressive. Defensive. Lost in my mind. I didn’t mean to start fights, but I’ve just been extra sensitive to danger. I feel like… I need to protect everyone. So nothing like this happens to anyone else. That’s kind of ridiculous, I know.”

“Have you felt suicidal this whole time?” Wonwoo prodded.

“I mean… I think so. But not quite so intense as tonight. How are you all here, by the way? Who’s at the bar? And shouldn’t the rest of you be asleep by now?”

“Don’t worry about that right now. Tell us how you’ve been feeling.” Hansol nudged. Mingyu hesitated. Wasn’t there anyway he could just pause and rewind? It felt bizarre to have all the attention on him.

“I don’t really know. Like I said, just… lost. Angry. Constantly sad.”

“Have you hurt yourself?” Jisoo’s voice shook as he asked this question. It hurt Mingyu’s heart to see him so upset. Before he could answer, Jihoon pulled his arm away and pushed his sleeve up. He had a hair tie (from who knows where) around his wrist. As he was about to open his mouth to deny anything, he noticed angry red lines across his wrist.

“Mingyu…” Jun whispered. Wonwoo burst into tears without warning, standing and escaping to the kitchen.

“No, no, no, those weren’t on purpose. I just snap the band to give my hands something to do-”

“Mingyu, that’s a form of self-harm. You don’t realize you’re actually hurting yourself.” Seungcheol said quietly from somewhere on his right. He stared down at his angry red arm, thinking back to all the times he’d snapped the band, felt a little pain, and kept doing it anyway. Hell, he’d been doing it a few hours prior, on the way to his car.

“I think maybe you should see someone. A professional.” Seungkwan sniffled, clinging to Hansol’s side. Mingyu paled.

“I’m really okay. I don’t need to see anyone. I feel fine talking to you guys.”

“For now, maybe. But what happens if you have another panic attack? What if your suicidal thoughts get to be too much?” Jeonghan argued. Mingyu felt a flash of frustration and pushed it back.

“Or start another fight…” Seungcheol trailed off, looking deep in thought. It was almost as if he’d read Mingyu’s mind.

“It’s late. We can talk about it some more tomorrow. Mingyu is probably tired. Let’s sleep on all of this and get a fresh start in the morning.” Minghao stood up, stretching and cracking his back. Everyone made some kind of noise of agreement, starting to shift and stretch.

“I’m sleeping with Mingyu.” Wonwoo called hoarsely from the kitchen.

“Me too.” Jeonghan called, raising his hand. Everyone else groaned and set about finding a place to sleep. Minghao, Jun, and Soonyoung all raced for Wonwoo’s room before anyone else could claim his bed. Jeonghan pulled Mingyu off the couch, pulling him close and leading him down the hall to his room. Seungcheol slipped past them to the kitchen, presumably to check on Wonwoo.

Mingyu changed into pajamas and crawled into the middle of his bed, Jeonghan pulled his clothes off and pulled on one of Mingyu’s hoodies. They all shared clothes, so this was nothing new. He slipped under the covers beside him, lying on his side and pulling him in to cuddle. Mingyu let him, enjoying the warmth and the contact.

Wonwoo entered soon after, rubbing his red eyes and trying to pretend like he hadn’t been crying. He curled up on Mingyu’s other side and cuddled against him too, propping his head up so he could look at them both.

“‘Gyu… I’m so sorry that I didn’t notice this sooner. I live with you and I didn’t even realize how much pain you’ve been in this whole time. How did I not realize?” Mingyu could tell he was getting himself worked up again and frowned, reaching to squeeze Wonwoo’s hand.

“Stop. Don’t think like that.” He scolded. Wonwoo made a defeated noise and nuzzled into his side.

“I was yelling at you earlier too. I can’t believe I didn’t see it.” He was nearly whispering now. Jeonghan sighed and swatted at his butt.

“Wonwoo, stop that. You can’t feel bad about yelling at him. You were just a concerned friend.” He scolded. Wonwoo made another sad noise and clutched at Mingyu’s arm. Mingyu reached his arm around to stroke his hair.

“I’m sorry I’ve made you worry so much. I’m sorry I’ve been getting in fights and getting hurt and being angry at you.” His throat tightened and he forced himself to stop speaking. Too much had been happening today. He didn’t need to cry for a fourth time.

“Let’s go to sleep, okay? It’s late and you’re both being too emotional for me.” Jeonghan reached to turn the light out and they were engulfed in complete darkness.

Mingyu could hear everyone moving around throughout the apartment. Soonyoung was arguing that Jun was taking all the covers in Wonwoo’s room next door. Seungkwan was whining in the living room about god knows what. It was soothing to know that he had so many people around him that cared. He had someone on either side of him, warm and silent and familiar.

Sleep came to him easier than it had in a long time.

~

He woke up to the smell of eggs and pancakes. He rolled over, groaning at the light coming through his window, and was met with the warm and snuggly body of Jeonghan. He took advantage, pulling the covers up to his chin and worming himself up against the older boy until almost every part of them was touching each other. All without opening his eyes. Jeonghan stirred, but didn’t wake up, unconsciously pulling him closer like a teddy bear.

“Wakey wakey… eggs and… pancakes.” The door creaked open and Chan’s voice cut through the silence like a knife.

“Noooooooooo…” Mingyu whined. Chan tiptoed over and crawled into bed, patting him lightly on the side.

“Breakfast time. Besides, it’s almost noon. You and Jeonghannie are the only ones still asleep.”

“It should stay that way.” Jeonghan held up a hand to shoo Chan away.

“Rise and shine!” Seokmin (literally) sang from the doorway. Jeonghan and Mingyu let out simultaneous moans. Mingyu rose himself into a sitting position and glared. Seokmin snorted. “Your hair. It’s all fluffy.” he giggled. Mingyu flipped him off, but rolled off the bed and started toward the bathroom.

“You’re up!” Wonwoo pecked him on the cheek as he passed the kitchen.

Someone was already in the shower, but Mingyu went in and pulled out a towel anyway. The curtain pulled back a little and Minghao’s face peeked out. He smiled when he saw Mingyu standing there, blinking sleepily.

“Coming to shower?”

“Mmmhmm…” Mingyu tossed his towel on the rack and pulled his clothes off. The bitter cold attacked him immediately and he shivered, rubbing the goosebumps on his arms. Minghao jerked his head, motioning him to get in the warm water.

It wasn’t unusual for any of the thirteen of them to share showers. Especially when there was a sleepover the night before. It didn’t make any sense to waste water and wait a thousand years for the hot water to heat back up.

Mingyu stepped in and closer the curtain, relaxing immediately as he was met with a wall of heat. Minghao chucked at his face. He pulled Mingyu into the water, effectively wetting his hair, and made a reach for the shampoo. Mingyu grinned. Minghao was the best at washing hair. And he always gave a little scalp massage. Mingyu bent slightly, allowing for Minghao to start his fingers through Mingyu’s hair, humming as he did so. Mingyu’s legs turned to jelly almost immediately. He was always this way around Minghao now. Something about the boy made his bones feel like dust and his stomach turned into a beehive. It had only started recently. Mingyu wasn’t sure what it meant, but he was choosing to ignore it for now.

“Feel good?” Minghao asked. Mingyu hummed his approval, trying not to think about the fact that they were naked together in the water. Minghao continued his work, rinsing the shampoo out of Mingyu’s hair and applying the conditioner. Mingyu almost felt like he could have fallen right back asleep, standing there in the deliciously warm water with deft fingers combing along his scalp. Minghao finished and Mingyu straightened, giving a languid smile.

Minghao reached for his arm, bringing it up and studying it. The marks on his arm were fading, but still ugly. Minghao’s smile disappeared and he ran his fingers across the raised skin.

“We’ve taken how many showers together in the last two months? And I didn’t notice these… this whole time.” He stopped and Mingyu could see him swallow hard. His jaw clenched and unclenched. The telltale sign that he was getting upset. Mingyu gently pulled his arm away and cupped Minghao’s face in his hands.

“Stop that. All of you need to stop. You didn’t notice because I kept it all from you. Things have been so peaceful. Chan got back into college. Jeonghan got approved to open his photography studio. You started teaching dance classes. Nobody needed all this heavy baggage in their lives. If I could take it all back and hide it again, I would.” Mingyu confessed. Minghao furrowed his eyebrows.

“Mingyu. You’re not putting any kind of burden on us. I’m so happy you told us. I wish you’d told us sooner. It’s so unhealthy to keep all that to yourself. You must have been hurting so badly.”

Mingyu opened his mouth to protest when the door banged open and Soonyoung started singing loudly. Mingyu peeked out the curtain in time to see him throw his clothes on the floor and jump into the shower with them.

“Two of my favorite people!” He cheered. Seeming not to notice that he’d interrupted a serious moment, he reached for the body wash and started scrubbing Mingyu’s back without even being asked. Minghao gave Mingyu an amused look and slipped out of the water. Mingyu pouted, watching him dry off and wrap his towel around his waist before he escaped the bathroom, leaving Mingyu with Soonyoung’s rendition of ‘Drip Drop’ by Taemin.


	4. Mingyu Likes Dogs

The Saturday passed too quickly. They spent a few hours of their time in the living room, playing video games or showing each other videos. They’d all cancelled prior plans somehow. When Mingyu asked about it, he was met with shushing.

Then slowly they trickled off one by one. They all lived in the same apartment complex, so no one had to go too far, but Mingyu still felt a little emptier with each absence. As Minghao and Jun stood to go to the apartment next door, Mingyu reached up and grabbed Minghao’s hand.

“Hey… can I come see you later? Before work?” He asked softly. Minghao nodded without hesitation, then leaned down and pulled him into a hug.

“You don’t even have to ask.” He straightened and followed Jun out the door, waving goodbye.

He, Soonyoung, Seungcheol, and Wonwoo were the only ones left. Soonyoung was dozing slightly against his shoulder, eyes drifting closed every few seconds.

“Soonyoung. You should go home and take a nap. We have work tonight.” Mingyu murmured, looping an arm around his shoulders. Soonyoung groaned and pushed his face into Mingyu’s neck. His breath tickled.

“Nooo. I never want to leave your side again. I’m permanent. Does Wonwoo have a hot glue gun?”

“If you’re going to stay, at least lie down and take a nap, okay? Nobody needs you falling asleep at the bar and breaking things.” Seungcheol countered. Soonyoung made a noise of confirmation before he tipped over, nesting his head in Mingyu’s lap and curling up into a ball. He was out in seconds.

“Idiot.” Wonwoo sighed. Mingyu didn’t miss the fond smile on his face, though.

“Mingyu, maybe you shouldn’t work tonight. Take the night off. Get some extra sleep.” Seungcheol said, giving him a look. Mingyu shook his head.

“No way. I’ve never missed a night of work and I’m not going to start now.”

“You fainted last night.” Wonwoo interjected. Seungcheol nodded.

“And we should think about finding some therapists in this area.” He was pulling his phone out of his pocket.  
“For the love of god, I don’t need a therapist.” Mingyu sighed, rubbing his eyes.

“You don’t think you do, but you do.” Wonwoo argued.

“Wonwoo’s right. It will do you a lot of good to have someone professional to talk to.” Seungcheol agreed without looking up.

“I don’t want to talk to some stranger.” Mingyu could feel his anger rising, like a tidal wave in his chest. _Push it back. Push it back._

“They won’t be a stranger for long. Mingyu, seriously. This will be so good for you.” Seungcheol was tap-tap-tapping away, not even giving him a second glance. Wonwoo was nodding along, with him the entire way. Mingyu bit the inside of his cheek, trying to force away the burst of anger that threatened to explode.

“It’ll help with your anger, too. You won’t feel so pent up.” Wonwoo reached to lightly brush his finger against Mingyu’s arm, giving him a soft look.

That was the tipping point.

“I don’t want a fucking therapist. I don’t want to talk to anyone about my feelings. I don’t want to be observed like- like some kind of fucking animal. I don’t need to talk this out. I already talked it out. I don’t bottle my feelings up. I’m fine. When will you realize that I’m perfectly fucking fine?!” He didn’t realize that he’d gotten to his feet, pacing like a wild animal. He also didn’t realize he’d risen his voice to a slight yell until he saw Soonyoung sitting upright on the couch, blinking at him with a terrified look on his face. In fact, they were all staring at him.

The anger immediately started to die down, replaced with a slight feeling of guilt and fear. He was doing it again. Letting himself get angry and hurt other people.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly. Soonyoung got shakily to his feet, starting for his shoes.

“I’ll leave you guys to talk. Sorry. I’ll see you tonight.” He grabbed his stuff quickly, hair still crazy from sleep, and headed for the door.

“Soonyoung, wait.” Mingyu grabbed his shoulder, stopping him. He wasn’t expecting Soonyoung to whimper and shrink away from him, fear flashing across his face. Mingyu’s chest tightened and he let go as if he’d been burned, stepping back. Soonyoung’s eyes filled with tears and he hurried away without another word. Wonwoo stood to run after him, calling his name. Mingyu listened to the two of them exit the apartment.

He stood frozen, staring at the empty doorway. Seungcheol sighed softly behind him and the couch squeaked as his weight was lifted off of it. Mingyu closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable lecture that was about to come.

“Mingyu, please just consider it. I know you’re scared. But we’re scared for you. I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. All I could think about was how horrible it would be to lose you. My heart couldn’t take that. And I don’t think I could live knowing that I could have helped you and didn’t. I love you. We all love you. And we just want you to live the best life you can.” Seungcheol stopped, choking up, and Mingyu squeezed his eyes shut even tighter.

He turned, waited a beat, and opened his eyes. Seungcheol, the oldest of their group, their unofficial leader, his boss, and one of his best friends, was crying. He was hunched over slightly, shoulders shaking violently. His hands covered his face.

Mingyu hesitated for one small moment before he was running, crashing into Seungcheol and sinking to his knees. He wrapped his arms around Seungcheol’s legs, burying his face in them. Ugly sobs ripped from his throat. His chest ached. His head hurt.

“Please, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He whispered. Seungcheol sunk to the ground with him, wrapping his arms around him and engulfing him in warmth and comfort. He pulled Mingyu into his lap, holding him and stroking through his hair.

“Tell me, Mingyu. Tell me what’s going on inside that head.” He sniffled.

“It hurts.” He sniffled, pressing his face into Seungcheol’s neck.

“What hurts?” Seungcheol replied softly.

“Everything. Everything hurts. I keep getting mad and making people upset… Soonyoung…” Mingyu choked on a sob, pushing his hands against his chest like he could hold himself together that way.

“Soonyoung will be okay. We’ll all be okay as long as you are.” Seungcheol reassured him. He was rocking back and forth slightly now, trying to soothe him.

“I’ll go.” Mingyu said quietly.

“Hmm?”

“I’ll go. To the therapy. Please, just… don’t be upset anymore. I can’t hurt anyone else.”

“That’s wonderful. But listen, we’ll find someone you like. Someone that makes you comfortable. If you don’t the first one, we’ll keep looking.” Seungcheol pressed a kiss into his hair. Mingyu could tell by his voice that he was still crying, but he was calmer now. Mingyu nodded, letting out a deep, shaky breath.

Seungcheol stood them both up. He pulled the sleeve of his hoodie down and wiped under Mingyu’s eyes, studying his face for a moment. Mingyu studied right back, taking in the bags under his eyes and the tear tracks on his cheeks.

“You should go back to your apartment and sleep. Especially if you plan on being at the bar tonight.” Mingyu said. Seungcheol gave him a crooked smile.

“Alright. I’ll do that. And I’ll let you come to work, but only if you get some rest too, okay? And when you do get to work, you and Soonyoung need to have a talk.” He pressed another kiss to Mingyu’s forehead and gave him another hug.

“Thank you.” Mingyu mumbled into his shoulder. Seungcheol nodded and squeezed him extra tight for a moment before he let go. Mingyu followed him like a puppy as he gathered his things and stood in the doorway to watch him walk down the hall toward the apartment he shared with Jisoo and Jeonghan. When he was out of sight, Mingyu closed the door and went to flop back down on the couch.

He pulled his phone out of the cushion and unlocked it. There were two hours to go before they opened the bar at five. He opened a browser and typed in ‘therapist near me’. Who knew a websearch could make someone feel so anxious?

He found an office sort of near the bar and started scrolling through the different therapists. This one was too harsh-looking. That one looked too cheery. His eyes welled with tears again against his will. Why was he getting so frustrated? He could just keep looking. He got to the end of one page and opened the next. Kept scrolling, kept scrolling… Who was this lady?

“Hey. Did Cheol leave?” He looked up as Wonwoo came through the door, looking slightly tired and ready for bed even though it was only two. He noticed Mingyu’s tears and frowned, speeding toward the couch and perching on the edge. “What? What’s wrong?”

“This lady has a dog.” Mingyu managed, before he sobbed and smushed his face into Wonwoo’s leg. He felt the phone get slipped out of his hand and Wonwoo was silent for a second.

“Oh, she has a therapy dog in her office. That’s kind of cool. Did Seungcheol convince you, then?” Wonwoo asked. Mingyu sobbed again in reply. Wonwoo slipped off the couch and sat on his knees beside it, looking at him head-on. “What happened after I left? Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know. I’m just scared. I’m sorry.” Mingyu reached for his hand, holding it between both of his own and studying Wonwoo’s long fingers. “I’m sorry I was yelling earlier, too. I’m terrified. I don’t know how to talk to people about me. You know that. You had to talk to the doctor for me two weeks ago. And that was for a cold.” He sniffled. Wonwoo laughed despite the situation.

“What are best friends and roommates for? Listen, I know you’re afraid. It’s okay to be afraid. But I promise you that in the end, it’ll be okay. She’ll be patient with you. I know it. Just go slow and take your time.” He played with Mingyu’s messy hair. “Did you decide on this lady? Because the dog might help, too.”

Mingyu gave a small nod.

“I like dogs.” He whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot minute since I updated! Someone asked when I was updating and I realized that I had a chapter that I never posted sitting in the document! Feel free to come ask me questions/tell me to update on Instagram: @penpallies


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